Thursday, May 12, 2011

the treasure of worth

I STRUGGLE

I'M ADDICTED

I'M PLAGUED BY SHAME

DEFEAT HUNTS ME

AND OFTEN CATCHES ME

SOMETIMES I DESIRE TO DO WHAT IS WRONG

LOTS OF TIMES

SOMETIMES I GIVE INTO THOSE DESIRES

THEN I FEEL GUILTY

WORTHLESS

I WANT TO QUIT

I'm just keeping it real today, and placing some treasure I gathered up last night into my jar.

My husband and I had a very difficult but freeing conversation last night. And I found some treasure in it. I told him that I can't pretend anymore that I'm not struggling. That I don't battle daily with  self addiction, sexual addiction, emotional addiction. I told him that I still feel drawn to the things that have broken our marriage so deeply and it constantly keeps me in a place of guilt. I told him that I don't hate my addiction, my sin, but that it appeals me, and that bothers me. I told him that I'm tired, and that I want to quit.

He moved close to me and said, "I know you want out." He was talking about our marriage. I have thought that maybe ending our marriage would free me from all my guilt. Since I can't seem to stop wanting what is wrong. But, my answer surprised me. "NO, I don't want out of our marriage." I entered into a place during our conversation last night where I realized, I want out of this addiction, not out of our marriage. I want to quit the addiction, so that I can have the marriage.

I felt for once that I was being REAL with him. We both sat together and reflected on the very beginning of our relationship, over 14 years ago. Where the pattern of this addiction and behavior (sexual immorality, pornography, lust) was already very evident.

AND HERE'S THE TREASURE: Three months into our relationship I wanted to quit. Because that's what I did.. I QUIT. And, others in my past, quit on me. But George, he refused to quit when things were bad. He said these words to me last night...

"I knew you were worth it." {Treasure going in the jar}
I looked down at my lap, and tears started to fall. He continued, "I would still choose all the pain and suffering, if it means I have you." My head was still bowed and he said, "Look me in the eyes, YOU ARE WORTH IT."

Doesn't God's whole story scream, "You are worth it!"
When Christ died, didn't Father know in His heart we were worth it?

I am worth it to God.
I am worth it to my husband
My marriage is a treasure of great worth.

"TRUTH IS, EVERYONE IS GOING TO HURT YOU; YOU JUST GOTTA FIND THE ONES WORTH SUFFERING FOR." -BOB MARLEY

what is it you struggle with?  is there something that draws you even when you know its wrong? do you want to quit? do you know you're worth it?

3 comments:

Heather said...

Wow, Kristin. I can relate to this in so many ways. Have you written or told your entire story? I would love to hear it - I'm in a pretty broken place in my life right now and can use all the encouragement I can get. Thanks so much for being open and honest and sharing when it's hard.

kristin said...

Hey Heather, thank you for reading and commenting. I really struggled with putting this post out. Right after I posted it blogger went down and for a couple a days it would not show this post and I could not find it anywhere in the files.. I thought maybe it was just God's way of saying it was not time to express this part of me, but it came back.

I have shared my story of redemption and grace many times. I have struggled with sexual issues since I was a little girl. I had an abortion at 14 and lived a promiscuous lifestyle through my teenage years that led into my marriage 13 years ago. when I had been married 3 years I became pregnant out of an affair. Through that circumstance my husband and I received salvation through Jesus Christ, reconciled our marriage, and served the Lord together for 8 years. I never stopped struggling with lust, pornography, and other sexual sin, however in the past year the opportunity arose for another affair and I fell back into it. My husband and I are still walking through the pain and destruction of infidelity. We are healing and becoming stronger day by day. I have accepted that it is more than a few poor choices and circumstances that have occurred in my life. I am walking into the realization that I am an addict. Much like an alcoholic I have to strive for sobriety day by day. I'm just trying to understand what all that means and figure out how to live in true freedom.

I guess that's the short version of my story. I hope you know that no matter how broken you are, you're not alone. Whatever choices you may have made, it's okay.. there's grace. And you know what?? You sure are worth it.

Heather.. I'll be praying strength and encouragement for you. If you'd like to talk further feel free to email me... kristin.spehar@yahoo.com

Blessings

Heather said...

Thank you so much for taking the time to share, Kristin. I will e-mail you first thing in the morning!